


I'm sorry

by CJMorstan



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-23 12:18:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16618823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CJMorstan/pseuds/CJMorstan
Summary: Stiles is fine. Honestly. It's just... Sometimes the thoughts can be a little hard to control and sometimes he just doesn't want to be alive. But he's fine, alright?Until he's so obviously not.





	I'm sorry

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING
> 
> Please heed the tags and go to the end note for more specific warning.
> 
> But I still haven't worked through some things and this will hopefully help me do that.

Stiles sits on the roof of his house and looks over his neighborbood. Everyone just keeps living their own life, there's nothing you can do to pause time. You have to learn to live with things unless you want to die. You have no choice. It's so obvious when he sits here, looking at the town. People are always going from one place to the next, most of the time with someone else. He looks up at the sky and notes that it will be setting in a few hours. 

He runs his thumb over the scars on his forearm absentmindedly, remembering the strange combination of pain and relief he felt every time he cut. He remembers always being to scared to cut too deep for reasons he doesnt even know. 

He doesn't want to live. But he's always been afraid of dying. He's been afraid of how that would leave his dad, completely alone. He might be used to the grief because his mom's death wasn't too long ago. 

Stiles let's out a sigh as he reasons with himself that his dad would probably not end up caring after the initial grief wears off. He doesn't even have that many friends so it's not like he'll be affecting that many people. He's really only got Derek and Scott. Scott will be fine. He's got plenty other friends to fill the empty space Stiles will leave.

But Derek. Derek will probably be crushed. He might even lose himself in his depression that Stiles knows Derek battles with. And he probably won't even be able to mourn properly because his family doesn't know that they're dating so they wouldn't understand why Stiles death his hitting Derek so hard. Or maybe Derek will tell them after he dies. But, Stiles reasons with himself once again. They're all just teenagers. Derek will move on eventually. He might hurt for a bit, maybe even more than his dad since Derek and Stiles confide in each other when their families get to be too much, or they feel like they're about to lose control. But Stiles can't tell Derek this. He can't go up to Derek and tell him that it will be alright. Because even though Stiles knows it will, Derek won't believe him. He'll try and talk Stiles out of it and, because Stiles loves Derek so much, he'll listen. Even though he doesn't really want to. 

As the sun gets closer to the horizon, Stiles climbs back in to his room through his window. He knows his dad isn't home so he doesn't have to be stealthy as he goes into his dad's room. He goes into his dad's closet, where he knows all of his mom's things are. He doesn't really know what he plans on doing, not really. He just knows he wants to see his mom's face one more time when he sees it. The perfect solution. 

He picks up the bottle, rattling it slightly to try and tell how many pills are left over. Its really the best way. Because Stiles is so afraid of pain, he'll chicken out if he tries to cut open a vien. And as far as he knows, he doesn't have any rope anywhere in the house, and even if he did there's nowhere to hang himself from. So pills. 

There are plenty left over that his mom used to take. The bottle that he's holding is still half way full. He doesn't know why his dad didn't throw it out, but he takes it as a sign that this is the right thing to do.

He goes to the kitchen, the bottle still in hand, and grabs a soda from the fridge. He'll take it with something he loves so as to even it out. He sets the soda on the counter and opens the bottle before pouring a handful of the contents in his hand. This is it, he thinks. The final moment. His last chance to back out. He takes a deep breath and holds it. He thinks of his dad and his friends. Then he thinks of how he'll probably become something people bring up just to feel like they could have done something even though they didn't even know him. He thinks about how he'll become a joke in some people's eyes, ridiculed in others, including his dad's. 

Once, when his dad was drunk and sat in front of the TV, the news was covering a story about a senior in high school who killed himself because of bullies. "Anyone," his dad had said. "Anyone who wants to kill themselves are selfish. And they should just do it because they're weak and that," he had gestured at the TV screen with his whiskey bottle where the teens parents were crying saying how they never saw this coming. "Is survival of the fittest, running it's course."

Of course, Stiles thinks as he let's out the breath, that was a long time ago and his dad probably doesn't even remember it but it stuck with Stiles. It stuck with him how his dad could look at that situation with nothing but apathy. And, Stiles thinks as he drops the handful of pills in his mouth, quickly following it with soda, his dad might even be mad. That he had this selfish coward of a son. How he was stuck with Stiles after his wife had died. Stiles pours another handful into his mouth and chases it with soda and again and again until the bottle is empty except for one pill but Stiles feels as though he's about to puke so he just leans on the counter heavily. He doesn't even think the sick feeling is coming from the pills. He thinks it's coming from the thought that his dad will probably be relieved that he no longer had to be burdened with Stiles anymore. 

He gets a text from Derek saying Stiles could come over and Stiles is so fucking relieved. So relieved that he rushes to bury the pill bottle under some trash in the garbage can, grabs his soda and heads out. 

Derek doesn't live too far so Stiles takes his time, walking along the road, sipping at his soda under the setting sun. This is a good last day. The sky is beautiful, the air warm. He finishes his soda a house or two before he reaches Derek's house and just drops the can. It's not like anyone can blame a dead guy for pollution, can they? 

He gets to Derek's house and knocks on the window by the door, knowing that they're more likely to hear him that way. Sure enough, only seconds later does the door get answered by Cora, Derek's younger sister. 

"Oh, hey Stiles." She goes and announces Stiles' presence. Derek walks out of the room he shares with Peter and smiles. 

"Hey." And beyond all reason, Stiles smiles back, happiness flooding him. Yes, he thinks. This is how he wants to die. Happy and close to the person that makes him happiest.

They end up playing Call of Duty and Stiles feels jittery. He keeps bouncing his leg but that doesn't soothe it, not even close. He can't control his fingers that well so he's dying in the game so many times. Derek throws good natured insults but all Stiles can think about is that if Derek knew why he couldn't play better, he wouldn't be smiling or joking about it. Still, Stiles has the urge to make a joke about it himself. Something like how he might be able to stay alive if he weren't trying to die. 

The longer they play the worse the jitters get. It gets late enough that Derek's mom says that Stiles can just stay over. They pull out a blanket and a pillow for him and Stiles wonders if they're going to keep the couch after he dies on it. The world starts spinning and Derek is Still playing Call of Duty but Stiles feet. Derek's mom says dinner was already served so Stiles can help himself. Stiles is feeling anything but hungry but they know he hasn't eaten yet so he goes in the kitchen to make himself a bowl of cereal. He manages to with the world still spinning but on his way back to the couch, he trips over nothing and that plus his shaky hands means that the bowl of cereal Stiles just made goes all over him. He silently dispairs that this is it. This is how they find out. But Derek's older sister, Laura just helps clean up Stiles' mess and Derek gives Stiles clothes to change into. 

Stiles goes into the bathroom and changes, his hands still shaking and his world momentarily still. He takes a deep breath and makes his way over to the couch, lying through his teeth and saying that he's just tired. So he lays down and the world is spinning worse than it was before. He presses his face in the couch cushions trying to convince his body that he's lying still but a wave of nausea washes over him all at once and he clumsily makes his way to the bathroom, not wanting to vomit on their couch. 

Regretting everything, Stiles dry heaves over the toilet bowl and when Derek comes into the bathroom, worried for Stiles, he just can't hold it back anymore.

Derek had recently recommend a story to Stiles where a side character named Mikey had taken a lot of pills and went to the main character for help. So, Stiles looks at Derek and says, "remember that one story?" And of course he does. "I'm Mikey." Stiles says, his voice shaking and soft. Stiles is so damn scared and he doesn't want to die in Derek's house. He doesn't want Derek to have to live with his boyfriend dying right in front of him. Stiles watches, subtly scratching away at his wrist with his thumb, peeling the skin back layer by layer as it finally clicks and recognition dawns on Derek's face. 

"Fuck." Derek says, and doesn't that just sum this up? Fuck. "I- I have to tell them," he says, gesturing to his worried mom. "Stiles, I'm sorry, but I have to tell them." He says and gets up to do just that. Stiles just makes a vauge gesture with his head, resignation falling over him. If he dies here tonight, so what. If he doesn't, he'll have to deal with it then, but for now, he just doesn't care.

He watches Derek tells his mom and finally, finally, he starts to feel sad. But not for himself. For Derek. What was he thinking? Was he trying to traumatize him? Fuck. "Derek? Derek?" Derek comes rushing in. "I'm sorry."

**Author's Note:**

> Stiles takes unknown medicine as a suicide attempt.


End file.
